How Much?

Well since my last post, I feel as if things have not gotten better, but worse. I know that is hard to say, but lately I am starting to feeling what is actually good enough? I do not know, the only thing that i keep coming back to is that I am not good enough. I know that is something that I should not say, but as time goes on it starts ringing true. As I get older I am starting to become more aware of my surroundings, and the people that are always there. I am starting to realize, this could not be true, but then again more and more do not care. They only say they do to cover for themselves, but if you look deep down you just can feel it. That is all around from friends to family.

The question that I have when will I be able to feel as if they do, or better do they even care? I am a quiet person I do not like to ask for help on anything. I just like to do it on my own. The last few months have been rough and I am trying by best to hang on, but how much is too much.

Fun and done

What is it like to have fun? I honestly do not know if I must say so. The last time that I actually had fun would have to be almost three years ago. This is year has been really hard in more ways than one, and everyday it seems to get harder. There seems as if the end is no where in site. I just want to have a day where I am just chilling with my family like we used to, but I learned that it will never happen like that again.

When I go home it just does not feel the same. The vibe is just completely different. Nothing feels the same. It starts with people, then the environment. There is always places that I used to go to that I cannot go to anymore, for either it is not there, or the person is dead. I just wish everything can go back to normal. The one thing I learn about life is nothing will ever be normal as we get older that is apart of life. That is the sacrifice we all have to learn to make.

Another thing tennis is back!!!!! I cannot wait.

Story: Now that you are gone

This is a monologue form a story I am writing.

“I remember the first day I saw you, and I must say at first I wasn’t impressed. Sure, you were gorgeous, but at the time I di not know that I was in the present of my partner for life. We were at different points in our lives if I do say so myself. I was sitting with Tommy, Logan, and Aubrey, then you walk up with Sharon to talk to Logan. I did not look at you at first, but then when I saw I though wow, but at the time I was not ready to be in a relation especially one with you. Then a couple days later I remember seeing you sitting in the yard by yourself, and I decided to go reintroduce myself to you as they say. Ever since that day sophomore year you have been by my side. I never thought that the day would come, and we would become one, but it did. You are and will always be the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life. I promise this to you no matter what I will always love you. You will always be the person I run home to when work is done. T he person I will always tell my deepest and darkest fear, and not worry about a soul hearing. I want to also say to you that I will never leave you. I will always be you protector, and make sure that you have nothing to fear for the rest our days. These are the vows that I am making not promising to you, but guarantee that I will be the one to hold you hand to and make sure that the tears you cry are from joy, and not sorrow. So, from this day forward we will be one.”

 

There will be more to come this is just a little snippet of what I am writing. I must say this is not a love story.

Poem: Today I will die

Today I will die

I do not feel sad

Nor do I feel worried.

My emotions are gone

It has been too long

This day has been coming for awhile

Yet I am still unprepared

Today I will die

I don’t know what will happen

And I do not care

I just know that I will not be here tomorrow

My sun has risen

And now it is time for it to set

Today I will die

I used to love the light

But the dark has always called my name

I was always within its sight

I never tried to steal your light

There is not a day I don’t regret being you shade

Today I will die

I am trying not to cry

Not for me and my well being

But for you for I know it has come too soon

And you feel alone and blue

Today I will die

So please don’t cry

Heaven has waited long enough

Or is it hell that is pulling me

Remember the night that the moon smiled back

The day the sun made us sleep

Remember me for the way we became

And not the way I left

Today I will die

I am going to the other side

Is it bright like you

Or dark like me

Just remember we will see each other eventually

For you are leaving with me