Why am I here?
Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again?
Do I like pain?
Do I like to be hurt?
It seems so, that is all I am getting.
Yet, I can not leave.
I stay and take the pain until I drop down to my knees.
I used to cry, but my river of tears has dried up long ago.
I am just numb.
To live you must be willing to give, and I have given all I can.
I pray for better days, and they never seem to come.
Or do they, and I am just too afraid to take that leap.
This world is so unkind, and my mind makes it harder for me to be free.
I live a life that is not worth living,
Yet everyday I get up and try again.
One day I must stop and start believing in me.
Right now, I cannot see that day.
It seems too far away.
I will keep looking, but for how long I do not know for how long.
My soul is draining, I am losing this battle.
I hate to lose, but this is one fight that I know longer have the strength to give.
It is the beginning of April, and I honestly cannot believe it. This year is flying by compared to last year. There is so much that has happened, that I almost forget that it did happen. Last year everything was moving slow, but that could be for the fact that we were stuck in one place, and not able to do anything. Now, everything is happening, and if I am honest, I do not know how to feel about this.
I am not person that believes in the good, I only see the bad as I have said before. You can tell by the poem I try to write. They are all written from a sad place. Writing them has shown me that I do not know how to be happy. I just know pain and sorrow. I have not always had pain in my life, but that seems to be the only thing that sticks with me.
To come from where I am from, you will see a lot of things that will stick with you, but you are the one that can determine how you deal with it. Life is hard, that is the beauty about it. I have been around long enough to know that hard work pays off. You just have to do the work.
I am making some big changes this month that I fear, but after thinking about them for a while I know they are the best decision for me. That is apart of life you must be willing to take chances, the worst thing you can is fall. You then must get back up and try again. That is the best part about life. It is not easy, but the journey to get what you want will hurt. It is time for me to feel some pain. I hope I do not, but it will be okay. I said this before, and have done it halfway, but now I have to step out on faith.